My life is simply that. A weaving. We live in small town USA and I'm living a life I love…

Sing Like Never Before…

The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes…

You’re rich in love and You’re slow to anger
Your name is great and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness, I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find…

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore!   

Bless the Lord O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name…
Sing like never before
O my soul… I worship Your holy name.

~ Matt Redman, Ten Thousand Reasons
 

This song is my newest and dearest worship song.  I love the words.  I love the promise.  I love the truth… and I love the resolve.  This song has resonated with my soul in the past month.  It rolls over and over in my heart and mind.  I find myself humming it.  I find myself singing it.  I find myself simply thinking it.

I’ve been quiet on here for a while.  Partly because of busyness and partly because there are periods when you aren’t sure how to form words around what’s inside of your heart and mind.

On February 7 our family lost someone dear to us…  it was our son or daughter.  I miscarried at around 9 week so we won’t know until we meet in eternity whether he is a he or she is a she.  The loss is a loss and it’s been a little rough depending on the day.  However, there has never been a time when perspective has played such a huge part of my life.

We had waited for over three years to see that little window on that little stick to show a plus sign instead of a minus sign.  A little over a month ago it did.  I was excited. We were excited.  The kids were excited.  We’d waited and it was time.

I have always considered myself a glass half full person but the older I get the more I realize that I don’t completely fit that description.  I like to see the glass half full but I can advocate for the empty half as well…  whether that’s a positive trait or a negative one, I don’t know.  I’m probably a ‘cautious optimist’.

That’s kind of how I was processing my pregnancy and the sweet child I was carrying.  This past year we have walked with friends who have traveled some tough, tough roads.  We have had friends that have lost children by miscarriage, friends who had received ultrasounds that showed questionable futures for their children and even friends who have given birth and said goodbye within the same month to their children.  It’s been a heart-wrenching year.

So…  on February 2 as Stephen and I waited for the doctor to come in and confirm what the midwife suspected (that our child’s heart had stopped sometime recently) I remember thinking and then saying…  I am not shocked.  Sad.  I don’t want this future.  But not shocked.  I also remember thinking (and saying…) who are we to be spared a loss like this.

I wasn’t saying that because I felt slighted or angry or…  like I was being judged…  but the truth of the matter is loss occurs and none of us are above loss.  The loss of my child is something that I have never had to process… and suddenly that’s what I was faced with.

I’m a thinker.  I process things.  I like to have them work out logically in my head.  I’m an odd mix of right and left brain personality…  I can reason anything to you.  Or give you an alternative thought on something…  so in the days that followed being told that our child was gone my mind rolled over and over again.  In a million different directions.

And here are my conclusions.

1.  Our God created that child and gave him or her to us.  We have four children now.  I don’t want to forget him or her nor do I want to dwell on the loss.  It’s a temporary loss.

(as a side note… I have this thought… (and let me warn you I have no clue how theologically correct it is… it’s simply a picture I have that has comforted me at times.  I have a picture of our child sitting with our grandparents…  our grandpa’s particularly…  Pappa & Grandpa Temple…  they will be with him while we can’t be…  whether our child is  child or whether our child is an adult…  they are together.  I also think about him or her with our friend’s son…  they would’ve been friends here and I think they’re friends there…  like I said I don’t know that those thoughts are accurate but those are mental wanderings…)

2.  Yes this is our loss to process BUT our loss pales to so many people’s loss…  miscarrying further along, losing children during child birth, losing children to tragic accidents…  I simply can’t process that.

3.  However, that brings me to #3.  My God.  He is sufficient.  He is full of grace.  He provides what is necessary for the loss that each of us is called to  bear.  He is.  He simply is.

4.  I have a new appreciation and respect and heart for women who have lost through a miscarriage.  Or miscarriages…   And I can not wait to celebrate with dear friends as they meet their children face to face in eternity…  Truly.  That will be so cool.  Can you imagine?

5.  I have a more intense passion in my belly…  (not literally but you know the fire that burns deep and strong inside…)  to share my firm belief that each of us who have miscarried have lost a child.  It’s not a child at 20 weeks.  It’s not a child at delivery.  It’s a child when God first starting knitting that sweet babe together.  It’s a child at conception.  Not a moment after… but AT the moment.  He or she has a future that’s already been written for him or her…  whether that future is 9 weeks long or 90 years.   Their moments are purposed.  Their moments are precious.  Period.

6.  I want another child.  When Stephen and I were dating we talked about having five children.  Then after doing ‘research’ on the Birth Order stuff by Kevin Lehmen determined that I no longer wanted five… I needed an even number…  four.  huh?  Who am I to say how many children we will be blessed with.  I pray, I long for another child to birth and to hold… however, I know God will grant me what I need to accept whatever his plan is…  whether it’s another one here on earth to hold, or another two… or another child to meet in eternity.  I don’t know His ways.  His plans.  But I know Him and we trust in Him.

7.  My husband has been better to me than ever before.  We have 12 years together.  We have four children together.  I love him. Period.  He has been better than me than I have been to him…  I don’t think I’ve been ugly (he’s in the middle of a marriage series and next week is directed to wives so…  I may be finding out next week how I’ve been behaving… kidding!) but I don’t know that I’ve acknowledged his loss either.  At least not specifically or verbally.

8.  I am grateful for the future opportunities to identify with other women who experience loss.  Truly.

9. Friendships here on earth are sweet…  Friends that have been willing to share their experiences.  Share our pain, even amidst theirs.  Friends that drop by a McD’s coke because they know you need to feel the burn.  The friendships that are forged by life and share a common faith are absolutely priceless and I can’t comprehend going through life without companions who get it…

Last week my small group started the study of Ruth by Kelly Minter.  It’s been good so far and I’m only a week and a half into it.  And man, it is resonating.  She writes about and we talked about weeping last week and the choice to either weep forwards and backwards.  And weeping while moving forward… grieving with forward motion.  That resonates.

I have struggled lately with what people may think.  I don’t know whether that’s a shocker but I am almost always assessing what people may or may not be thinking about me, the kids, Stephen, etc…  It’s the curse of thinking.  And here’s why…  I don’t know how I’ve appeared during the past few weeks.  I don’t know what people are saying.  I don’t know if people are thinking I’ve handled it better or worse than expected.  Whether I’ve appeared to have a brave front but they suspect I’m losing it  inside.  I don’t know.  And ultimately it doesn’t matter but I pray if in doubt my heart is known.

This experience has crushed me.  There have been moments when I have plain, flat, ugly cried.  I have done the quiet cry over and over again.  I have made the sarcastic deflecting comments (my favorite so far…  “Crap, I thought I’d have a free pass this summer on the swimsuit but now I have to strive for the bikini body again…”   I digress.)  I have tried to process it with perspective because that is how I’ve stayed sane.  I’ve forced myself to continue on because it’s too easy to hide sometimes…  and then never be found.  I was able to go to the hospital and celebrate a nephew being born the day after we lost our child.  His name is Eli.  And I may always connect his birthday with the loss of our child but it’s alright.  Why?  His name says it all.  His name means “my God”.  It’s that simple.  My God.

My favorite line from the song I posted above is…

Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes…

That is my prayer for our lives.  It’s my prayer for you, whomever you may be.  Where ever you may be walking.  Whether this is only ever read by me…  may it serve as my constant reminder.

It’s through the ‘whatevers’ that God proves Himself faithful.  He shows us His love.  He is.  And it’s because of the ‘whatevers’ that we are able to sing like never before.  Every trial.  Every celebration.  Every loss.  Every victory.  Every whatever that passes…  has allowed me to sing like never before because I’ve gotten to experience a little bit more of my Savior…  and I am truly and incredibly grateful…  which is why I’ve chosen to sing:

Bless the Lord O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name…
Sing like never before
O my soul… I worship Your holy name.

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