My life is simply that. A weaving. We live in small town USA and I'm living a life I love…

Failure…

–noun
1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success
2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; 
3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency:
7. a person or thing that proves unsuccessful:

I have said times before, I hate failure.  I fear failure.  I LOATHE failure (said in the Grinch voice…)  The fear of failure paralyzes me time and time again and I know that it does and I still allow it to.

Today, Stephen preached a good one… knocked it out of the park, if I may brag a moment on him…  You should check it out at www.fbcnl.com  It was part one in a series on Jonah and today was about running.  I’ve run, you’ve run, we’ve all run…  so what keeps us from coming home?!  Me… fear.  Fear of failure.  

You see if I choose not to act in a certain direction I have simply not tried.  BUT, If I try and I can’t measure up…  it’s a swipe at my substance and it’s… failure.  

Lately though  I have been failing in a few areas.  Some big, some small, and really, they can all be inner-connected somehow.  

My biggest personal challenge is my weight.  I’m not ridiculously overweight, but I’m overweight.  I have said before that I wish I could simply be happy with my body… but I’m not.  Partially because of that nagging part of myself that knows when I try and put effort into it I get results and I’m not happy with not trying.  The other thing is, we’re told that are bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit that God has given us and as much as I disagree with drinking, smoking, etc… I can’t honestly say that I’m not doing the same thing with food…  Food can kill, too.  Food is an addiction, too.  So, why don’t I just jump on and get to it…  I fear failing.  And if I don’t try I can fall back on the excuse that I haven’t had time to try or haven’t had a good week at, etc.  

Another area that I have been feeling very defeated in is parenting.  Okay, I understand that three’s are bad.  Yes, they are worse that two’s.  But have you had five’s yet?!?  Charlie has hit the five’s full blown and while I remember them from Maddie it doesn’t make them more tolerable.  Add to that the eight-year old attitude and the sibling WWF…  and I’m going to bed.  Things have either been really good and we feel like we’re winning, connecting, etc… or I really think I’d feel better if we parceled them out to grandparents for a year or two, you think I’m joking… 

And one of the areas that we are having to POUND into them over and over, and over, and over, and over… you get the drift… is how to act at church.  Our kids have been raised in church.  Each of them went to church at either 5 or 6 days old.  (No, we didn’t leave them in the nursery…)  But, they are there…  we don’t live there but we do enough projects there, we take enough lunches to Stephen, we’re in talking the secretaries (let alone when I worked at FBCV, too).. that it’s really a second home… and sometimes we forget that home behavior is not always okay.  

Now, I’m not saying that we want them to be saints, they are kids and we are really blessed to be in a church that actually enjoys their antics far more than I do… I frankly don’t enjoy them at all.  I’ll give you two “What Would You Do…” Scenarios:

Scene One:  It’s Maundy Thursday and you and your kids eat a late lunch.  You have a Maundy service that starts at 7:00 pm.  Dinner will be happening after this 45 minute service.  While setting up for the service your kids notice that there is grape juice and pita bread available to eat.  You do not allow them to partake… that would be wrong!… but imply that they can have some later on.  (Now, you imply because you’re not really sure where your PH stands on this and really, you think the kids will forget the request.)  So, fast forward to 7:00 pm.  You are playing the piano, your husband is sitting at the front table with your mom.  He asks for bread and a drink and is denied which causes a MAJOR meltdown in the middle of a candlelight service.  You dont’ hear it so it’s not extremely loud but the tables around them notice.  Service ends and the lights come up…  you go and sit down and the kids immediately start acting starved and grasping at the elements (bread and juice).  You swat them away and your five year old breaks into another LOUD meltdown and you have to carry him out of the sanctuary while he’s yelling… mad yelling…  “You guys are always tricking me. It’s not fair.  YOU said I could have juice and bread later.  Daddy said I couldn’t.  HE said I could have it after the service was over.  YOU said to wait.  I STILL don’t have ANYthing and YOU GUYS are just TRICKERS and it’s MEAN to ME.  It’s NOT FAIR… YOU TRICK ME!”  Yup…  that’s what YOUR son is saying because MINE would NEVER be yelling that…

So what would you do?!?  I just wanted to die, plain and simple.  Wanted to die…

So, Scenario Two:  Easter Sunday you’re playing the piano and you have to be up there early.  The kids bring a couple easter eggs and are playing behind stage.  Not a big deal. First service starts and you’re sanctuary is completely full… somewhere between 250 and 300 people.  You are waiting on a baptism video to start… your husband is getting dressed for a baptism behind stage.  As you sit at the keyboard ON stage you hear… “pst…mom… Mom… MOM…”  You don’t look because your children are in children’s worship.  It’s not yours.  “MOM…”  (Now this is not yelling perse’… it’s more the whisper yell…)  You look down… low and behold it is your five year old son looking up at you from the front of the stage… “Mom… I need you.”    

So, what do you do?  I again, wanted to die.  I made a motion for him to move to the side and he just said, “No.. I need you.”  I am still praising Jesus for a good friend, Dawn, who pulled him over to her (he resisted slightly) and figured out what he needed.  I was still trying ot process how to give the mean mom look without looking like a mean mom to 250 – 300 people… any suggestions?!?  Do you want to know what he needed?!?  An Easter egg that he left behind stage.  Want to know the crazy part?!? He had asked to get it and the teacher said okay.  

So, does that give you a glimpse?  I know these are phases and they will play out but I really want to wave the white flag of surrender at times.  

The crazy part…  in both of these areas do you where the solutions are found?  Yup… the B. I. B. L. E…  And, as Stephen was preaching today, I realized that even though in my overall life I’m not running from God… I am running in certain areas.  Why?  Because they take hard work.  They take more than I have to give which means I risk failing.  But, what are the consequences of failures…  I’ll be a fat mom with kids that hate the church and that don’t love Jesus…  Is it worth me clinging to?  Nope.  Is it going to be easy to drop the resistance and do the hard thing instead of the easy thing, nope.  Will I fail… yes, but in the end I pray I succeed.   

Truly, if you have a few minutes to spare you should listen to Stephen’s message.  It’ll be up by Monday afternoon.  Until later, good night.

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One response

  1. I think you just described me. Except my husband is a missionary and we’re in a different church every week. We get one chance to impress these people. And my darling 6 years old always leaves an impressions, if you know what I mean! I’m with you on the weight, too. Although I never looked at is as being afraid of failure, but you hit the nail on the head. I plan to go listen to the message…when the kids are in bed, of course! Hang in there, this too shall pass…right?!

    20 April 2009 at 11:02 pm

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