My life is simply that. A weaving. We live in small town USA and I'm living a life I love…

Confessions…

So, I kinda checked out for almost a week.  Why?  Well, here comes my confessional…

The last two weeks have been filled to the brim and they’ve been a very good couple of weeks.  However, I have found myself checked out numerous times.  Probably not enough where most people would notice, maybe not even a lot of people, but I know.  It’s what I do when I’m overwhelmed.  What have I been overwhelmed with?  To be honest, I don’t know.  We’ve had a couple events at church, I’m working on the elementary yearbook, and a dear friend has passed away but really, that’s not a lot…  

I don’t know…  I guess I should just start at my first confession.  I mentioned it in my brief post the other day…

Confession One:  I have not lost a pound and I haven’t even been trying.  Okay, sure maybe I’ll make a wiser choice here and there but it doesn’t count.  My heart isn’t in it yet I feel completely defeated by it.  You know why…

Confession Two:  I have pride issues.  Yes, I do.  I have pride issues.  I don’t want to try and fail.  I can’t stand the thought of failing.  Also, this week a newpaper editor almost lost his life, well, maybe not his entire life, but he almost got hurt because our ad for our event didn’t make the paper AFTER I spoke with him about it.  Yup, I was mad.  And yes, I was upset because the even wasn’t in the paper but to be completely honest, it damaged my pride, too.  And I’m not sure which one stung more…  It was my first ‘responsibility’ on a committee and I didn’t want it to look like I had failed.  Yes, pride.  Pride is what keeps me from fully worshipping as I’m playing the piano during a service.  I can worship the best at the piano at home.  It’s where I go when I need an emotional check-out.  But, I don’t want to screw up while I’m playing in church and I want to strive for excellence and perfection.  I suppose there’s a balance between the two and maybe some amount of pride isn’t bad, but at the same time it’s wrong because it become about me…  

Confession Three:  My kids are kicking my butt.  We are having some discipline issues (over and over… and over and over) and I’m getting tired of it which is making me a poor discipliner.  Parenting is tough and a lot of days I feel like a failure, which please note the above sentence:  I hate failure.

Which, speaking of failure, let me take a time out here…  actually no, back to my confessions:

Confession Four:  I am a Frustrated Perfectionist.  I know I can’t reach perfection which means sometimes my mind takes over and says, “Why bother!”  i.e.  Weight loss, sloppy parenting, procrastination, a ‘almost’ perfect house…  if I aim for perfection and I miss I fail.  Therefore, I will stop short of trying 100% so that I don’t have to face failure.  Thank you Dr. Kevin Lehman for diagnosing me!  

(sidenote:  I have now spanked my son TWICE, carried him back to his bed THREE times, and have given him the last chance to stay in bed and go to sleep.  After this chance, what am I going to do?  I have no clue!)

Okay, I supposed I need to stop confessing because my house is slightly cluttered and my husband will be home shortly.  I have cupcakes to finish baking and I’ve got to rinse out the hair dye.  I’d been toying with dying my hair for a couple months now because although I like my hair, I’ve been bored and when I saw a good color on clearance at Target tonight I took it as my sign.  So, until later…  Your Failing Miserably, but really quite blessed friend…

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2 responses

  1. Don’t be so hard on yourself! 🙂 Remember, His strength is perfect when our strength is gone…

    P.S. I am feeling like a total failure on the weight loss thing these days too. I’m afraid to even get on the scale after the past 2 weeks…

    24 February 2009 at 10:36 am

  2. Charity —
    You are singing my song! I feel like a failure in all the same areas. Take heart: from reading your blog, I can see you are a failure at NOTHING. Instead, you are an amazing woman!! Be encouraged today.

    28 April 2009 at 9:50 pm

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