My life is simply that. A weaving. We live in small town USA and I'm living a life I love…

All Week is Ending…

I’m sitting in the quiet of night, Stephen’s in the office running through his sermon one last time, the faint sound of “Adventures in Odyssey” is playing from Charlie’s room, Maddie & Charlie are in Charlie’s new bunkbed, and Sophia’s asleep in her bed…  all is calm.  

Do you ever have the peaceful feeling…  it’s hard to describe because it’s not like stuff isn’t going on in your life but it just feels like all is alright, the pieces are in place, and you’re just living the life that is set out before you!?  I guess that’s where I’m at tonight.  

We went over to a neighboring church tonight for their service,  starting last Saturday for the next four weeks we’re going with some friends to some neighboring churches to worship…  just to check them out, glean what we can, and simply worship…  the church we went tonight was one that grew up around, had friends that attended, had been to bazaar’s at, etc… but had never been to a service at and it was wonderful!  I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  One of the best parts was seeing old friends…  although I must admit, we got in the car and I said to Stephen…

“Okay, first person I see is Ron and I need a haircut.  Next person I see is Marci and I need to lose weight… how’s that for conviction…”  

(Ron owns a hair salon that I’ve frequented and Marci was my boot camp, booty kicker when I was serious about losing weight a couple years ago… *ahem* did I not just add that tab to the top…  again, conviction, you have my number…)

The speaker tonight wasn’t the churches pastor, instead it was the mission director for that association (yes, we cross associational boundaries tonight, ummmm…)  and he gave testimonies, etc.  It again, just re-impressed just getting busy…  After the pastor wrapped up they ended with this commissioning song…

Give Me Your Eyes (Brandon Heath)

Look down from a broken sky, traced out by the city light
My word from a mile high, best seat in the house tonight
Touch down on the cold black top, hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock of confusion and chaos

All those people going somewhere, why have I never cared

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
THe ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Step out on a busy street, see a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me to hide what’s underneath
There’s a man just to her right, black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife, he’s out of work, he’s buying time

I’ve been here a million times, a couple million eyes
Just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
I need a second glance, give me a second chance
To see the way you’ve seen the people all along

It was good… (backtracking a wee bit, I promise it relates…) Thursday night Stephen had a meet with a group from church and we talked after he got home.  In the past couple weeks he’s had a couple of meetings and after most of them there has been such a burden of urgency pressed upon us, and I say us because I feel it, however, I know what that burden feels like on my shoulder yet I can’t imagine what that burden feels on his…  ten times I can imagine…  But, back to the trail…  When I say that there’s so much to be done, it’s not to say that our church is so far off that it needs to be pulled into shape, quite the opposite.  When we walked through the doors a little over 4 months ago we were greeted with, “Okay, let’s do this…”  These people want to reach this community.  And the thing is, everything is interlinked…  For one ministry to succeed, this one needs to be succeeding, and this one needs to be tweaked, and this one needs to be amped up, etc, etc, etc…  So, this is the mantel of urgency that is being pressed upon us (again, ‘us’ is used lightly here)…

Part of my anxiety with this is the fact that I still don’t know where I’m supposed to plugged in.  Yeah, I’m singing in the choir, yes, I’m playing every fourth week in the service, but really, that’s nothing.  I love it but I feel like I’m not engaged…  And to see these areas of need and not being locked, loaded and ready to fire…  it sometimes is frustrating.  And then I struggle with whether I’m just not accepting my current season, or whether, I just haven’t figured it out yet…

Anyways, the debate goes on forever in my head and I’m waiting for confirmation, whether it a nudge from God or Stephen saying, “Charity, I need you to do this…”, we’ll see…

So, as I said, Stephen has had several of these such meetings over the past couple weeks, we’ve also been passing around sinus & ear infections (3 for 3 at the moment) and pink eye (which I now have) and I just started to slip into a funk… the feeling that I needed to be hung out to dry…  So then on Friday, we had to grocery shop and while I was out I felt like I was succeeding… I went to four stores (A Barrel & A Peck – my new FAVORITE store… it’s a bulk foods store in Clayton that sells spices, baking needs, etc. for pretty cheap and they sell a lot of natural/healthy products i.e.  I got a 5 lb bag of whole wheat pastry flour for $1.90… you can’t beat that!, Landis for some meat, Aldi’s for the cans & cheese, and Meijer for produce, etc.) So I was feeling successful, kinda Proverbs 31-ish… then I got home…  

My house was not the best, not the worst, but not the best by far… I had a zillion groceries to put away, cabinets to straighten up before stuff would work, a refrigerator to sort through, a dessert to make, dinner to fix, kids to steer, and I just didn’t feel like I had accomplished anything this week, you get the picture…  and my funk started slipping back up on me.  

The other thing that added to my funk was, I missed out on Bunco with my friends on Thursday night.  It was a choice I made because it was the wise choice, but there was still a huge part of me that was just bummed, plain, flat, bummed…  so add that in there.  So, I was doing my thing and just not really feeling much worth and struggling.  Stephen got home, dinner got on table,  and I needed to head out the door.  Our Sunday school class was having a girls night in at a lady’s house.  We were getting together at 7:30, after the dust settled and we could escape together for a while…  I was looking forward to this but again, my mood, and I was just dragging…

One of the biggest blessings here at FBCnl has been being able to be in a Sunday School class/Small Group…  it’s been a LOOOOOng time and if you asked any of the ladies they probably couldn’t tell you if they thought I was enjoying myself or not because I really don’t say a whole lot (which by the length of this post, you’re probably surprised, ha!) but I have loved it.  It’s a class that has women from my age (LATE 20’s – which I have to say late now, that stinks!) up to women around my mom’s age… and I LOVE that blend!  Anyways, back to it… I finally got myself on the way there, and don’t you know it… I started crying… in the ten minutes drive to Teresa’s I was wrestling with feeling lonely, not being plugged in, still being in the ‘honeymoon’ stage with basically everyone around me now… knowing them, feeling comfortable with them, but still not unguarded… and I don’t know, maybe you never get to that unguarded stage as a PW, I guess that’s one thing that we’ll see about…  but all the while feeling satisfied, feeling settled, and feeling at peace, making plans, pursuing vision, dreaming with passion, living with purpose…  

That’s all from my heavy, happy heart…


2 responses

  1. HT

    I just have to say, I love the little picture of you that shows up on web address bar thingy!

    Also, I know what you mean about a quiet peace. I am feeling that myself SO much.

    11 February 2009 at 10:33 am

  2. HT

    Okay.. now my picture is showing up on the comments?! WordPress is so sneaky!

    11 February 2009 at 10:34 am

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