My life is simply that. A weaving. We live in small town USA and I'm living a life I love…

Is He Truly For Us?

I was able to sit in peace in quiet in the middle of the day today (have I mentioned that Stephen has Friday’s off now… that is an amazing blessing to us!) and picked up “Steppin’ Up” for the first time in I’m ashamed to say…  I had vowed that this would be the first BM study that I would complete all the way through (and it still will be) but I’m afraid I allowed the enemy to steal my joy with it for a little while.  I tend to go extreme… if I can’t ____  then I won’t do anything.  So, when I realized I wouldn’t be finishing this study with my group I kinda said, “Well, I’ll finish it… sometime…”  Well… I was convicted.  I’m on week Two Day Five (I told you it’d been a while…) and one of the first things I read that bit me in the behind was this:

You belong in this study, and if you will let Him, God will usher you to a whole new level of freedom.  Persevere in the study.  Attend each session.  Do your homework.  Fully engage and God will astound you.

Okay, loud and clear, Lord…  You see I’ve been struggling… not really outwarding a lot and really not even a lot inwardly I don’t know how to describe it.  Our transition has gone well, really well.  I don’t feel lost, I’ve met some amazing women and I know they will be ones I will do life with, I still have contact with several of my dearest friends regularly…  but to be honest, sometimes I’m just kinda lonely.  I love our new lifestyle…  a regular stay at home mom, taking Charlie to preschool, grocery shopping once a week…  ironing (UGH… okay, I don’t love that but it comes with the territory) but you get the picture…  I don’t really know exactly what kinda funk I’m in but I’m in one, kinda.  I think.  Maybe.  Oh, I really don’t know.  

Part of it is this, for the first time in 8 years of marriage, well, not it goes back before then…  8 years of marriage and 6 years of youth group, I’m not actively serving somewhere in the church.  Well, I’m serving my husband at our home, trying to make sure our home is a help not a hinderance because he’s got a lot going on.  But, I’ve always been about neck deep in things….  anything and everything.  

I have been pretty intentional with not getting plugged into anything yet because I want to make wise choices and not overcommit.  That’s an easy thing for me to do.  But, I’m really searching what I’m supposed to do… and I don’t know yet.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.  

*** I’m finishing this post three days later***  Today, I was lonely.  I think I’ve been able to ‘put my finger’ a little on my funk.  You see, right now, we’re heading into one of my favorite times of year… Christmas.  And I’ve always been pretty involved in our Christmas program at FBCV (design & production of invites, programs, etc, mild decor, singing, ideas, etc.) and yes, I’m in the cantata (it took me 6 tries to spell that right) at FBCNL and I’m meeting tomorrow to go over some print stuff but I just don’t ‘feel’ involved.  I also talked with a couple friends from Vandalia who mentioned VBS.  VBS is one of my most favorite things of the year.  I have loved directing it… it plays right into a lot of my gifts and talents.  But this year, I don’t know where I’ll be needed.

It’s really hard because I feel like I say something or suggest something it gets taken seriously because I’m the pastor’s wife…  not necessarily because it’s a good idea.  I’m really struggling right now because I want to jump in and I just don’t know exactly how or what to do.  

Ultimately I think that it’ll be more than great with time…  we’re right where we’re supposed ot be and loving it.  It’s just the past week I’ve been hit with the lonely a little more and I’m not sure why I just have.  

All that being said, I was majorly convicted about just digging back in the word.  That is probably my biggest problem right now…  when I’ve not taken the time I’m left with my feelings and those can be manipulated so easily.  

Anyways, I’m finishing this post off so that I can share some pictures…

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4 responses

  1. Jen

    Not that I am an expert by any means, but maybe its good to wait a little while before you jump into any particular ministry. I remember when we first joined our sending church, I ached to be in a ministry. I prayed and prayed, then six months later we were asked to work with the teens. We did that for almost 5 years. I look back and think about those 6 months. During that time the time went slow, but after we began working with the teens, it flew. Its like being pregnant. The LONGEST 9 months of my life, but the next 9 months…well, we’re did they go?! Maybe the Lord is using this time to refresh you. I truly understand how you are feeling. Especially saying things and then wondering if people are doing it because its a good idea or because you’re the pastor’s wife. Just keep doing what God would have you to do, and everything seems to fall into place. Please don’t take this as me being bossy, I’m just sharing from my experience. Praying for you.

    29 October 2008 at 11:24 am

  2. I am praying for you. I do lonely well here lately. Being a stay home mom is my dream, but at times I feel like I’m missing out on something else that God wants me to be doing, but I have no clue what the something else is. I’ve thought it might be something at HCBC when we get there, but I echo your hesitation to overcommit at first. So I get where you’re at, and I’m going to be praying for you. 🙂

    30 October 2008 at 9:09 am

  3. I know exactly how you feel. When we first got to our new church, I was lost because I didn’t feel “needed.” I didn’t know where God wanted me to be involved. I even felt guilty because I saw everyone else working here and there, and I didn’t feel as though I was contributing.

    My role is still a little vague, but I’m helping my husband with the youth and choir where I can. I’m also filling in and teaching the youth girls’ Sunday school class.

    Seems like God is using this time to not only free me up to get to know the youth, but also to force myself to focus on HIM instead of what I’ve got going on. Ministry can be used to fill our lives instead of God Himself, if we’re not careful.

    30 October 2008 at 9:30 pm

  4. I have been there and find myself back there sometimes.

    4 November 2008 at 1:11 am

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