Is He Truly For Us?
I was able to sit in peace in quiet in the middle of the day today (have I mentioned that Stephen has Friday’s off now… that is an amazing blessing to us!) and picked up “Steppin’ Up” for the first time in I’m ashamed to say… I had vowed that this would be the first BM study that I would complete all the way through (and it still will be) but I’m afraid I allowed the enemy to steal my joy with it for a little while. I tend to go extreme… if I can’t ____ then I won’t do anything. So, when I realized I wouldn’t be finishing this study with my group I kinda said, “Well, I’ll finish it… sometime…” Well… I was convicted. I’m on week Two Day Five (I told you it’d been a while…) and one of the first things I read that bit me in the behind was this:
You belong in this study, and if you will let Him, God will usher you to a whole new level of freedom. Persevere in the study. Attend each session. Do your homework. Fully engage and God will astound you.
Okay, loud and clear, Lord… You see I’ve been struggling… not really outwarding a lot and really not even a lot inwardly I don’t know how to describe it. Our transition has gone well, really well. I don’t feel lost, I’ve met some amazing women and I know they will be ones I will do life with, I still have contact with several of my dearest friends regularly… but to be honest, sometimes I’m just kinda lonely. I love our new lifestyle… a regular stay at home mom, taking Charlie to preschool, grocery shopping once a week… ironing (UGH… okay, I don’t love that but it comes with the territory) but you get the picture… I don’t really know exactly what kinda funk I’m in but I’m in one, kinda. I think. Maybe. Oh, I really don’t know.
Part of it is this, for the first time in 8 years of marriage, well, not it goes back before then… 8 years of marriage and 6 years of youth group, I’m not actively serving somewhere in the church. Well, I’m serving my husband at our home, trying to make sure our home is a help not a hinderance because he’s got a lot going on. But, I’ve always been about neck deep in things…. anything and everything.
I have been pretty intentional with not getting plugged into anything yet because I want to make wise choices and not overcommit. That’s an easy thing for me to do. But, I’m really searching what I’m supposed to do… and I don’t know yet. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.
*** I’m finishing this post three days later*** Today, I was lonely. I think I’ve been able to ‘put my finger’ a little on my funk. You see, right now, we’re heading into one of my favorite times of year… Christmas. And I’ve always been pretty involved in our Christmas program at FBCV (design & production of invites, programs, etc, mild decor, singing, ideas, etc.) and yes, I’m in the cantata (it took me 6 tries to spell that right) at FBCNL and I’m meeting tomorrow to go over some print stuff but I just don’t ‘feel’ involved. I also talked with a couple friends from Vandalia who mentioned VBS. VBS is one of my most favorite things of the year. I have loved directing it… it plays right into a lot of my gifts and talents. But this year, I don’t know where I’ll be needed.
It’s really hard because I feel like I say something or suggest something it gets taken seriously because I’m the pastor’s wife… not necessarily because it’s a good idea. I’m really struggling right now because I want to jump in and I just don’t know exactly how or what to do.
Ultimately I think that it’ll be more than great with time… we’re right where we’re supposed ot be and loving it. It’s just the past week I’ve been hit with the lonely a little more and I’m not sure why I just have.
All that being said, I was majorly convicted about just digging back in the word. That is probably my biggest problem right now… when I’ve not taken the time I’m left with my feelings and those can be manipulated so easily.
Anyways, I’m finishing this post off so that I can share some pictures…