My life is simply that. A weaving. We live in small town USA and I'm living a life I love…

Hitting the Sack…

I’m sitting up, pretty tired, but I wanted to post a couple thoughts before heading to bed.

Tomorrow night is our first Dixie Football game.  I’m excited about it.  Maddie is going home from school with her new good friend, Lilly.  Her mom and dad are extremely involved with the schools and they are walking in the parade before the game.  Maddie will be with them and then meet us at the game.  Lilly and her family have been a huge blessing to Maddie and to us.  She is super excited about it.  I even went to the elementary today and bought her and Charlie Greyhound shirts…  They’ll be in like flin.  (What does that mean?!?  DOes anyone know?)

Charlie also has a big day tomorrow…  He is having his best friend from Vandalia come to the football game with us and then spend the night.  Him and Caleb and like brothers from another mother…  His face lit up like a 100-watt bulb today when I told him Caleb was coming over.  It made my day.  

That bring me to last night…  Last night was our first official church day at FBCNL.  It was AWANAs and Bible study.  As soon as we walked in for dinner Maddie saw friends from school and didn’t skip a beat.  Charlie on the other hand… Charlie is very bashful and gets very embarrassed and doesn’t handle emotions well in public.  So, he wanted to sit by Maddie but she was already being sat by and so he sat with us and was just kinda in a funk that gradually just got worse.  His big sister wasn’t helping the matter though because she was ignoring him when he talked to her.  Finally, he lost it.  He broke down into tears.  It was all that I could do to not cry…  Stephen took him to Cubbies and he did just fine from there…  more than fine actually.  

I must admit that my stomach was in knots last night and as I type this tonight thinking about Sunday my stomach is in knots…  not bad knots, just knots.  Last night, it was reality.  Sunday… it’ll be real.

Let me back up for a couple seconds…  Yesterday, I worked on cleaning out the garage.  It’s not done yet but organizational progress has been made.  In other words, even though it looks pretty much the same stuff is at least in the right boxes :O)  And I sorted through a couple of boxes that simply contain memories.  The stuff you’ll really never use again but you can’t get rid of… old letters, cards, gifts, etc.  It was a flashback gone wild.  Just for your amusement here’s some of what I discovered:

a GA Sash complete with patches and pins
GA Fun Day ribbons
Presidential Academic certificates
National Jr and Nation Honor Society PINS AND Certificates
5th Grade Star Student Awards
My Field Commander Outfits (Summer & Regular)
BAD Pictures of myself… when I get access to a scanner you’ll see, just wait…
Sermon notes from 1995 – 1999
Chocolate candy that I had given Stephen MANY years ago (like 11 or 12!! GROSS!)
Almost an entire 30-gallon tub of letters, cards, pictures, etc. that passed between Stephen & I

Anyways, back to my thoughts…  As I was digging through the memories I was overwhelmed with this thought…  All of this has brought me to now.

Everything…  has been used to make me who I am today.
Everything…  has been used to equip me for this next role in my life.
Everything… has been used to equip Stephen for this next step.
Everything…  has value…
Not Everything…  was pleasant, pure, Godly, or wise… BUT
Everything… will be or has been used to His glory.

New Lebanon represents so much in our lives…  God has been so faithful to us.  I’m at a complete loss for adequate words…  

I am scared to death for Sunday…  I’m nervous… I’m trying to figure out what to wear…  
I want to just in and get involved yet… I feel like holding back
The people I have met at FBCNL are wonderful and I can already tell there will be many ‘kindred spirits’ and there will be some great friends there… but part of me aches for the familiar faces
I am SOOOOO excited to see God move and to be used by God here…  But I’m afraid.  

I have lived with fear probably for as long as I remember and it drives me like it shouldn’t.  Looking through the memories I realized that so much of my life has been steered by fear…

I fear failure
I fear rejection
I fear not living up to someone/anyone’s expectations
I fear failing as a mother
I fear failing as a good wife
I fear not meeting our new church member’s needs or expectations…

The list could go on and on and on and on… I don’t like putting myself out there…  the risk ratio is too high yet that is where I’m at right.  Without risk there won’t be any gain…

Father, you are an amazing Father, Savior, Lord, and Friend.  You have redeemed my crud and made it into lessons that have been, are, and will be used to Your glory. It’s amazing, Lord.  I love your local church and I get all excited just thinking about reaching this community with Your love.  You have allowed us to live in a beautiful house that is already a home.  You have been SOOO gracious in this transition.  You have provided friends for both Maddie & Charlie, provided excellent learning opportunities for them, and allowed this to be a remarkably smooth transition for them.  Thank you…  YOu know that was one of my biggest fears.  Father, You know that much of this seems SO surreal…  There are times I want to pinch myself because it is such an honor and responsibility that You’ve entrusted to us…  Father, please keep my nose stuck in Your word and my forehead pressed to the carpet.  Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and worries…  You know where Satan can attack.  Take Father tonight and teach me to turn it to you asap.  Please be with my Stephen… Sunday’s big for him.  I am so proud of him that I could bust a gut.   He is a truly Godly man and He wants to be used by You…  Father, equip him.  Grant him wisdom as we navigate through these uncharted waters.  Give him peace, confidence, and focus.  Help me to sense what he needs from me during this time.  Thank you for your everlasting faithfulness, your redemption, and your plan…  Please be with FBCV as they are at a crossroads…  Bless them, Father…  

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One response

  1. I pray your day went well… I sometimes think what it would be like to be in a new church, we have been here 5 1/2 years and have built amazing relationships. Starting over is hard, but I pray that day by day you’ll feel more like home.

    29 September 2008 at 8:29 am

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