My life is simply that. A weaving. We live in small town USA and I'm living a life I love…

PureNRG & More

Well this weekend was fun…  We had our spring FBCKids event and it was a success!  We had the newer group called PureNRG in to do the first concert in the HANGAR.  Stephen was sweatin’ bullets on Wednesday adn Thursday because the accoustics weren’t complete yet and they HAD to be done in order for the concert to work.  Anyways, this was Maddie & Charlie’s first exposure to ‘famous’ people…  They were so funny at times!  Maddie loved the girls (Caroline & Carolyne) and Charlie wants to be like the ‘singer boy’ (Jordan).  These kids are so nice…  The kids got to meet them after the concert while they were eating and not too long after they started I noticed Charlie was running around and I sighed and thought it was the beginning of a not listening streak but then I looked and realized he was being chased by Jordan!  Sophia had her picture with them all (so did we!) and on the way home Charlie said, “Mom, you know what I wish… I wish that those singer kids could be our neighbors.”  Yup… that would be fun!

Sunday is normally a busy day for us with church and all and service lasted a little longer than normal yesterday morning but it was okay, that’s what we have Bryon & Ashley for during 2nd RushHour… to help fill time (They’re AWESOME with the kids and a lifesaver!  Ummm Game Rocks!)

Yesterday’s night service though was a Prayer Musical, sounds interesting I know.  The music was really good but sitting there in the sanctuary I was overwhelmed but so much that I won’t be able to accurately express what was going on in my head but I need to try. 

This past year has been rough and on Saturday at one point I was grieving again over Pappaw’s not being here anymore.  It simply doesn’t make sense and it isn’t ‘fair’ in earthly terms.  He should have been there on Saturday night at the concert, he would have loved to see that building filled and being used like that.  It’s been hitting me at odd times, the grief, but especially since Sophia was born because she’ll never know him.  (an ant is crawling on one of Stephen’s dress shirts right now… yuck!) 

Anyways, I guess it’s best to simply say that right now church is a little rough.  It has been a stretching and growing ‘thing’ for a year now and especially the past few months.  We have been supported by our friends so faithfully… but it has been challenging for me when my perceptions have been altered about certain people. 

Crap, this really isn’t making sense.  I have been at FBCV since I was five, I turned six a month after we moved here.  FBCV is where I was discipled, called into service, met Stephen, married Stephen… it’s where we have gotten a lot of ministry experience, we have been raising our children here, they are learning about the incredible truths found in God’s Word every week… sometimes by the very people that taught me and my siblings!  It’s where Stephen was licensed and where he was supposed to be ordained last year by his Pappaw.  FBCV encompasses so many of my/our memories and is such a huge piece of my life.  The people there have been surrogate grandparents because mine have always been 6 hours away, they have celebrated with us in every season and in this last season they have grieved with us over the passing of Pappaw, the pastor of FBCV for over 30 years. 

It’s interesting though how one event can have so many reactions and I’m to the point where I’m not very good at processing emotions and thoughts/feelings individually so they get all lumped together and simply come out in tears…  undistiguished which are sorrow, joy, grief, peace, etc.

Last night I was overcome with the fact that I want to worship.  I wanted so badly to experience my Father, my Savior, and Friend through music.  Music has ALWAYS been an escape, a means to communicate for me and I desired that so badly…  But sitting in the church I could not simply worship.  I couldn’t just sit and rest in His presence.  And it’s me… I’ve got to some how come to the point where I’m not looking or listening to someone and making assumptions about what they’re not saying with their words or reprocessing events and actions from the past year.  I wish I was naive still, or again, however that works.  And so last night, I prayed that somehow I will get to the point where it doesn’t matter who has said what about our family…  Even though it’s been said time and time again, it’s not about Stephen and I, “It’s not personal”… it is.  Or who was party to this action, or that action, etc.  I want to be able to walk through the building, say hi to people and not feel pricked.  I want to heal before it’s time to say good-bye. 

I don’t have a clue how that will happen.  There are so many emotions swirling around regarding FBCV.  I want it to THRIVE!  Pappaw spent 30 years cultivating the ground for such a harvest.  Everything is in place for the next thirty years in ministry.  We simply need a man with passion, vision, conviction, a backbone, vulnerability, and a calling to take it to the next level.  I don’t want to see what so many blood, sweat, tears, desires and dreams have built to be destroyed in this transition period without a pastor.  A year and a half ago Stephen and I both had dreams that were built solidly on the direction Pappaw was leading the church and we were looking for a house to buy.  Now we’re renting a house not knowing which direction the wind is blowing.  God’s grace and provisions and timing are beyond incredible, but it’s still difficult.

Last night was an amazing night at church, I simply which I could have experienced to the fullest…  Stephen just got back from the Orange Conference in Atlanta and was priveledged to take part in worship there (which is beyond description from what I hear) and so honestly I’m a little jealous.  This morning I even logged on to Living Proof to see if there was a conference anywhere near where I could maybe get a ticket to and just go by myself.  (At other conference I’ve been to I have always had the desire to slip away from the group and worship by myself.)

I just looked at the time and my mom’s going to be here in five minutes.  My cheeks are tear stained, my daughter’s waking up, my son’s still sleeping and I haven’t called the school yet to get an early dismissal for my other daughter… I gotta go!


2 responses

  1. I don’t know much about your situation at your church, but I can identify with so much of what you have said in this post and in the one before it. I understand how church and ministry life can have the capacity to bless beyond belief and also wound servants like nobody’s business. It is hard when you know the Lord allowed you – even appointed you – to be wounded and could have stopped it. Whatever is goig on exactly, I pray the Lord will give you the grace to heal you where you are and that He will bless you beyond your wildest dreams in a new season of life.

    8 May 2008 at 10:38 am

  2. Oh, and I totally think you should get away to a conference by yourself!

    8 May 2008 at 10:40 am

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