The past few days have found me to be very melancholy. Not down all the time, but rather my emotions are swinging like a monkey in a tree. I don’t really know why unless it’s a combination of my sleep (or less sleep) finally catching up with me, hormones still settling in, spring break (with cold weather), or simply a grouchy mood. I don’t know.
I have been battling the unknown: I want to know the five year plan for our family’s life. I want to know where we’ll be, what we’ll be doing, etc.
I want to know that one trigger that can cause Maddie to ‘get’ that she needs to focus and obey and that her life would be more joyful if she did.
I want to go on vacation. Several actually. I want to go to the beach and just sit and soak up the sun. I want to go to a cabin and fish and swim in the lake. During both, I want to sit and watch my children interact with Stephen and their grandparents and aunts and uncles and love every minute!
I want someone to understand how hard this last year has been. How so much of it has effected our children, yet we can’t and won’t explain the whys to them. It’s not fair that we now have ‘our’ church and Nana & Poppa have ‘their’ church and because of that Maddie can’t spend the night with Nana regularly and get ready with her… that was their thing.
It’s not right that my husband has had to lose a grandfather, be stuck in the middle between church and family, (deal with a melancholy wife), struggle with God’s purpose for his life, deal with self-doubt and feeling like a lame duck.
Can you tell my mind’s been on a roll… Also, do you notice how often ‘I’ dominated all those thoughts. And then, I confronted… no, confronted isn’t exactly the right word but I don’t know what is, so it’ll have to work.. with the multitude of blessings that are present in our lives. God has used people in our life in unique ways to remind me of these blessings, especially lately…
From small acts of kindness: We have had such an outpouring of generosity with the birth of Sophia. From gifts to meals! (I didn’t have to cook, except press start on the microwave) for two week! With each of our other kids we were given one meal… Granted, I would have been fully capable of finding something for dinner, but what a blessing to not have to think, or do the dishes that come with real meals! What friends I have… Thank you, Lord!
To Reminders of God’s Blessings: The day we were leaving the hospital, Stephen was walking past the nursery and noticed a mother who was peering in the glass looking at a newborn in an incubator. She had tear stains on her shirt and several more on her cheeks. And it was a reminder for us of our three blessings. By God’s grace, we have had three normal pregnancy with no complications, except the cravings that can’t be filled :O), three uneventful deliveries (relatively speaking… they still hurt!), and three BEAUTIFUL children. God has protected us and we were reminded of that, especially considering when Sophia was born the cord was around her neck twice and yet, there were no complications because of that!
I’m reminded to count all of that as blessings as I read Bring the Rain: The Audrey Caroline Story. This is a blog written by the wife of Todd off Selah. She is pregnant and they are facing the reality that once she delivers Audrey Caroline into this world, she will be ushered into Jesus’ arms. I can’t fathom what that feels like and to read through the testimony being created by Angie is humbling.
I’m reminded to count my pregnancies a blessing as a good friend is sitting in the hospital facing 2 – 3 weeks of just sitting there before she delivers! I’m bored stiff and ready to get out after only 3 days! I can’t imagine!
I’m reminded to count our parents as blessings for so many reasons. Both Stephen and I were raised by godly parents who love and support us continually. We have blessed with good relationships with all of them and have the amazing opportunity to watch them with our children on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis. Again, what a huge reason to be thankful!
I could go on and on but as I’m surround literally by four piles of laundry (yes, for those that know me well.. I actually sorted them out by color this time :O) that are crying for attention. My house is a disaster… we’re having carpet installed today and so all of our furnature is in the wrong spot, there’s dust bunnies and just plain dirt on multiple floors and toys are hidden in crevices. All of that will hopefully be resolved today and tomorrow because after all, I stay at home, it should be done, right?!?