Sing Like Never Before…

The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes…

You’re rich in love and You’re slow to anger
Your name is great and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness, I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find…

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore!   

Bless the Lord O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name…
Sing like never before
O my soul… I worship Your holy name.

~ Matt Redman, Ten Thousand Reasons
 

This song is my newest and dearest worship song.  I love the words.  I love the promise.  I love the truth… and I love the resolve.  This song has resonated with my soul in the past month.  It rolls over and over in my heart and mind.  I find myself humming it.  I find myself singing it.  I find myself simply thinking it.

I’ve been quiet on here for a while.  Partly because of busyness and partly because there are periods when you aren’t sure how to form words around what’s inside of your heart and mind.

On February 7 our family lost someone dear to us…  it was our son or daughter.  I miscarried at around 9 week so we won’t know until we meet in eternity whether he is a he or she is a she.  The loss is a loss and it’s been a little rough depending on the day.  However, there has never been a time when perspective has played such a huge part of my life.

We had waited for over three years to see that little window on that little stick to show a plus sign instead of a minus sign.  A little over a month ago it did.  I was excited. We were excited.  The kids were excited.  We’d waited and it was time.

I have always considered myself a glass half full person but the older I get the more I realize that I don’t completely fit that description.  I like to see the glass half full but I can advocate for the empty half as well…  whether that’s a positive trait or a negative one, I don’t know.  I’m probably a ‘cautious optimist’.

That’s kind of how I was processing my pregnancy and the sweet child I was carrying.  This past year we have walked with friends who have traveled some tough, tough roads.  We have had friends that have lost children by miscarriage, friends who had received ultrasounds that showed questionable futures for their children and even friends who have given birth and said goodbye within the same month to their children.  It’s been a heart-wrenching year.

So…  on February 2 as Stephen and I waited for the doctor to come in and confirm what the midwife suspected (that our child’s heart had stopped sometime recently) I remember thinking and then saying…  I am not shocked.  Sad.  I don’t want this future.  But not shocked.  I also remember thinking (and saying…) who are we to be spared a loss like this.

I wasn’t saying that because I felt slighted or angry or…  like I was being judged…  but the truth of the matter is loss occurs and none of us are above loss.  The loss of my child is something that I have never had to process… and suddenly that’s what I was faced with.

I’m a thinker.  I process things.  I like to have them work out logically in my head.  I’m an odd mix of right and left brain personality…  I can reason anything to you.  Or give you an alternative thought on something…  so in the days that followed being told that our child was gone my mind rolled over and over again.  In a million different directions.

And here are my conclusions.

1.  Our God created that child and gave him or her to us.  We have four children now.  I don’t want to forget him or her nor do I want to dwell on the loss.  It’s a temporary loss.

(as a side note… I have this thought… (and let me warn you I have no clue how theologically correct it is… it’s simply a picture I have that has comforted me at times.  I have a picture of our child sitting with our grandparents…  our grandpa’s particularly…  Pappa & Grandpa Temple…  they will be with him while we can’t be…  whether our child is  child or whether our child is an adult…  they are together.  I also think about him or her with our friend’s son…  they would’ve been friends here and I think they’re friends there…  like I said I don’t know that those thoughts are accurate but those are mental wanderings…)

2.  Yes this is our loss to process BUT our loss pales to so many people’s loss…  miscarrying further along, losing children during child birth, losing children to tragic accidents…  I simply can’t process that.

3.  However, that brings me to #3.  My God.  He is sufficient.  He is full of grace.  He provides what is necessary for the loss that each of us is called to  bear.  He is.  He simply is.

4.  I have a new appreciation and respect and heart for women who have lost through a miscarriage.  Or miscarriages…   And I can not wait to celebrate with dear friends as they meet their children face to face in eternity…  Truly.  That will be so cool.  Can you imagine?

5.  I have a more intense passion in my belly…  (not literally but you know the fire that burns deep and strong inside…)  to share my firm belief that each of us who have miscarried have lost a child.  It’s not a child at 20 weeks.  It’s not a child at delivery.  It’s a child when God first starting knitting that sweet babe together.  It’s a child at conception.  Not a moment after… but AT the moment.  He or she has a future that’s already been written for him or her…  whether that future is 9 weeks long or 90 years.   Their moments are purposed.  Their moments are precious.  Period.

6.  I want another child.  When Stephen and I were dating we talked about having five children.  Then after doing ‘research’ on the Birth Order stuff by Kevin Lehmen determined that I no longer wanted five… I needed an even number…  four.  huh?  Who am I to say how many children we will be blessed with.  I pray, I long for another child to birth and to hold… however, I know God will grant me what I need to accept whatever his plan is…  whether it’s another one here on earth to hold, or another two… or another child to meet in eternity.  I don’t know His ways.  His plans.  But I know Him and we trust in Him.

7.  My husband has been better to me than ever before.  We have 12 years together.  We have four children together.  I love him. Period.  He has been better than me than I have been to him…  I don’t think I’ve been ugly (he’s in the middle of a marriage series and next week is directed to wives so…  I may be finding out next week how I’ve been behaving… kidding!) but I don’t know that I’ve acknowledged his loss either.  At least not specifically or verbally.

8.  I am grateful for the future opportunities to identify with other women who experience loss.  Truly.

9. Friendships here on earth are sweet…  Friends that have been willing to share their experiences.  Share our pain, even amidst theirs.  Friends that drop by a McD’s coke because they know you need to feel the burn.  The friendships that are forged by life and share a common faith are absolutely priceless and I can’t comprehend going through life without companions who get it…

Last week my small group started the study of Ruth by Kelly Minter.  It’s been good so far and I’m only a week and a half into it.  And man, it is resonating.  She writes about and we talked about weeping last week and the choice to either weep forwards and backwards.  And weeping while moving forward… grieving with forward motion.  That resonates.

I have struggled lately with what people may think.  I don’t know whether that’s a shocker but I am almost always assessing what people may or may not be thinking about me, the kids, Stephen, etc…  It’s the curse of thinking.  And here’s why…  I don’t know how I’ve appeared during the past few weeks.  I don’t know what people are saying.  I don’t know if people are thinking I’ve handled it better or worse than expected.  Whether I’ve appeared to have a brave front but they suspect I’m losing it  inside.  I don’t know.  And ultimately it doesn’t matter but I pray if in doubt my heart is known.

This experience has crushed me.  There have been moments when I have plain, flat, ugly cried.  I have done the quiet cry over and over again.  I have made the sarcastic deflecting comments (my favorite so far…  ”Crap, I thought I’d have a free pass this summer on the swimsuit but now I have to strive for the bikini body again…”   I digress.)  I have tried to process it with perspective because that is how I’ve stayed sane.  I’ve forced myself to continue on because it’s too easy to hide sometimes…  and then never be found.  I was able to go to the hospital and celebrate a nephew being born the day after we lost our child.  His name is Eli.  And I may always connect his birthday with the loss of our child but it’s alright.  Why?  His name says it all.  His name means “my God”.  It’s that simple.  My God.

My favorite line from the song I posted above is…

Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes…

That is my prayer for our lives.  It’s my prayer for you, whomever you may be.  Where ever you may be walking.  Whether this is only ever read by me…  may it serve as my constant reminder.

It’s through the ‘whatevers’ that God proves Himself faithful.  He shows us His love.  He is.  And it’s because of the ‘whatevers’ that we are able to sing like never before.  Every trial.  Every celebration.  Every loss.  Every victory.  Every whatever that passes…  has allowed me to sing like never before because I’ve gotten to experience a little bit more of my Savior…  and I am truly and incredibly grateful…  which is why I’ve chosen to sing:

Bless the Lord O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name…
Sing like never before
O my soul… I worship Your holy name.

In the Still of the Night…

it’s not nighttime right now… in fact it’s the beginning of a new day… 7:11 am to be precise… but I’m pretending it’s nighttime.  not because i’m sleepy but because.  my favorite part of the day is the quiet and stillness that the night brings…  midnight and i haven’t met lately (i’m getting old)… but i’m sitting here with hot coffee and thunder outside with a quiet house… Madeline has already caught the bus to start the day, Charlie and Soph are still snoozing away and the man is at the hospital with dear friends that are ready to welcome a beautiful baby boy into the world.

all seems well at this moment…

the past two weekends we’ve actually had normal people weekends… crazy, i know.  it’s been such a nice thing too… family time and friend time.  you don’t realize how much you miss a Saturday that’s a Saturday until you get one back… or two!  the pumpkin patch met it’s match last weekend and we conquered Charleston Falls too… i forgot the camera but we snagged a couple pictures on Stephen’s phone… i just need to snag the phone…

this Saturday was filled with a scavenger hunt… it was a blast.  we won.  what did we win you ask?  nothing except the honor of planning it next year…

another oddity… yesterday the only person i had to get ready for church was me.  all the kids were with grandparents.  that was strange and so very lovely… not for forever, but every once in a while… it’s nice.

the next few weeks have been spinning through my head…  they are full, full, full…  and almost all of it is stuff that i’m excited about… but it makes me a little *eh* too… it is so hard to hold onto the everyday blessings when time is slipping through your fingers and it’s those everyday things that are so incredibly precious…  seeing your husband march behind your 3-yr old singing “we’re following the leader” from Peter Pan… that is everyday precious…  grocery shopping three Friday’s in a row WITH my husband… that is a simply quite nice.  having money (even if it’s only a quarter) left in your food envelope at the end of a week… that’s a victory.  praying for families that surround us that are dealing with more life than we are right now… that is an honor.  and it is those things that sometimes get lost in the shuffle.  which is why i love the quiet that surrounds the night.

however. in ten minutes i must stop pretending it’s nighttime and get another child ready for school…  it was nice while it lasted.

Stealing Time…

On Thursday I boarded a plane headed for Alaska… To steal a line from a song… It was “Alaska or bust”.

Stephen, my brother, is gearing up for deployment and I headed north to fly back with my sister in law and niece. It was a sacrifice… I read two books on the way, people watched and drank a white chocolate peppermint mocha from Starbucks.

It was a different sort of trip… It was a twelve hour stint with a three hour layover in Minnesota and its the first time I’ve traveled by plane all by my lonesome.

The thing that struck me as we we were flying over Canada (probably… Not really sure) is that we fly into the sunset for over four hours. It was as if time was standing still and we were cheating the clock.

There are many times in my daily life that I wish for more time. Sometimes i need more time for big things and sometimes I need more time because I’ve wasted the time vie had. And for a moment… For a day… I had managed to gather an extra four hours.

The thing is, I could do nothing with those four hours… I didn’t have a laptop with me to squeeze some work out or work on a project. I had no craft supplies with me to whip something up. I didn’t even have phone access to catch up on calls or scheduling or anything like that. And if I’m being completely honest… It was so nice.

I function on lists the majority of my time and there are moments when I’m one step from the ledge of insanity and to a few hours where time stands still was an incredible gift.

The funny thing is though, in life there is almost always an equalizer and tomorrow I face that equalizer. The flight home. Flying home I will lose those four hours that were gained… But thats alright.

To unplug is incredibly nice but the thing is… When its time to get plugged back in ones normally ready to get at it again. List in hand. With running shoes laced up.

So… Heres to reentry… And to the man that held down the fort, did the kids hair, did the school work, made breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and got ready to serve the Word up tomorrow am and made it possible for me to enjoy three days of being unplugged.

Potpourri…

In case you didn’t stumble across this, Nick @ Nite is having a Friends marathon this week.  One of my guilty pleasures is Friends.  We have laid in bed laughing the last couple nights and last night one episode was on where Ross has come back from England without Emily and he’s trying to win her back so he sends her 72 long stem red roses.  He then receives a box with “72 long stem red roses mulched, but that’s okay, Monica’s going to make potpourri.”

Love it.  And with that, I knew today’s post wasn’t going to be anything significant so I called it Potpourri.  A little bit of everything.

Coffee is a great way to start off a cool fall morning, especially in a Duck, NC cup.

It also makes me say a prayer for those home owners and business owners that are in Duck right now recovering from the storm.  Craziness the amount of chaos and damage that something as simple as water… hydrogen & oxygen… can cause.

One of my favorite songs right now is God is Able by Hillsong.  Love it… the music and the message.  Another home run by Hillsong.  (I tried to post a link to it but… can’t…  oh wait…  Click here. Or at least try to… if google it )

Laundry.  I hate it. But I’m almost caught up for the week.  Do you have any major laundry quirks.  I don’t empty change from the washing machine until there’s a dollar in it.  Also, Hershey’s Chocolate Chapstick WILL come out of a Nike golf shirt with a LOT of elbow grease and a laundry soap bar.

I LOVE when kids dump CLEAN clothes in the laundry basket.  Love it.

Right now, Stephen and I have been talking and dreaming and it’s so hard… no, it simply takes  a lot of self control and restraint to remember that vision/dreams/goals have phases.  A, B, C.  But just as important each phase has steps… 1, 2, 3.  And it’s better all the way around to go in order.  Something that Andy Stanley shared on a podcast that Truett Cathy had said in a board meeting is so true not just in business, not just in church life, but in home life, in every area…  (and I’m not quoting exactly…)  The goal should be to get bigger.  It should be to get better because once we’re better customers will demand we get bigger.  Love it.  That statement leads to one word that is my dad’s favorite.

Focus.

(Which this post had none of… but that’s what I’ve got for today!)

Looking Back…

Ten years have passed since this time ten years ago. Brilliant thought I know. This coming weekend is a biggie… September 11 is a day that scarred and reshaped our nation in a new way and at some point this week I hope to remember that day on here simply for my sake… but not today.

Ten years ago though I was a new mom. Maddie was six months old (or she would be tomorrow…) I remember feeling like I was babysitting because at that age I didn’t feel like it was parenting… more like caring for a child. (I still feel that way… and as my kids continue to get older I continue to think, “I THOUGHT I was parenting when they were ?? age, nope… that was nothing. THIS is parenting.”)

We were working in a business and doing really well for ourselves. We were experiencing a blessed time in our life. We drove two cars that were less than two years old, we were in the process of remodeling our newly purchased home, we were serving in the church I grew up in… it was simply a positive time.

Looking back… (isn’t that a phrase… it’s an accurate one too. The only thing we can do is look back. We can’t repeat the past. We can’t undo it. We can’t change it. We can simply look back.)

Ten years ago had we known what the years ahead would hold I’m sure we would’ve acted differently. We didn’t know that we were in the calm before the storm. We didn’t realize that a few of the waves that we would feel in the next year would only be a ripple compared to the monsoon we’d face the year after. We had no clue how much our lives would be shaken up. No clue.

Looking back I’m completely torn up over that year. There were things that if I’m honest I’d probably do differently. Would we have redone the entire house from top to bottom knowing that we’d be completely broke within two years and we’d be moving out of it in three… probably not. But, that would mean giving up the hours of working together on that house… everyone in our family helped us on that house. We spent hours together and I loved it…

The list could go on but the bottom line is. We can never look back and redo. Today I don’t miss that house. I don’t regret that house but I don’t pine for it. I do cherish the memories in that house though. It was the calm before a storm and it was ten years ago. Ten years seems like an eternity. I feel like I can accurately say I’ve lived an entire life in our past ten years from highest highs to lowest lows… literally.

And yet here I sit on my couch, in a parsonage in a town that I barely knew existed, serving in a church that I love with people I love, and we now have three children. I don’t think that God purposefully orchestrates terrible things and events in our lives but I do think he allows and leverages them to His glory. Would we be here in the parsonage without our past. Nope. Probably not. Why not? I don’t know… I simply know that my past has shaped my current stage and my future days… and I will continue to thank Him for the blessings, whether big or small.

Innocence

This past week our middle and high school students at school had the opportunity to hear a speaker named Joel Penton. Joel is a former OSU player who was coached by Trussel and is now a speaker through Athletes in Action. He spoke at our church several months ago and did a fantastic job and around that same time a guy lined it up with the schools for him to come in and speak this past week.

(If you are in the position to get a speaker into your local school system Joel would be an excellent guy to consider. )

He went to the schools on Thursday during the day and spoke in an all school assembly and then a guy that travels with him sings a couple songs and they invite them back for a concert that evening at the school. They give the kids tickets and when the kids present the tickets that evening they are given a free book. During the concert is where Joel shares the rest of his story about being a Christian and extends the opportunity to ask Christ to a part of their lives to the kids.

I digress… as I ‘ve mentioned Madeline is now in the middle school so she saw Joel at school. She got her ticket to the concert that night… made plans with friends to go, got on the bus and headed home. When she got home she came straight in asking if she could go to the concert tonight and said she had an extra ticket for Charlie if he wanted to go.

The next part is what cracked me up (not in front of her but inside of me…) She said, “Mom… you wouldn’t believe how many tickets were on the floor of the bus! There were like 5 or 6 tickets laying there… As soon as I got mine I put it in a real safe place because I didn’t want to lose it. I can’t believe they were dropped…”

I loved it. She hadn’t a clue that they were thrown down. It never crossed her mind that someone wouldn’t want to go that night to the concert. I loved the innocence. I know that it will fade all too quickly… (she has also came off the bus saying that the high schoolers say ‘really bad words’. When she used to refer to ‘really bad words’ I never knew if meant butt, fart or hate… unfortunately in this case I already know those are NOT the words they are using.)

There are times I wish I could shield all of them from life. Guard their ears, eyes and mouths… but the reality is I can’t. If I homeschool them, they will hear it, see it, do it at church… (sidenote… I am a fan of homeschooling… I however am not called to homeschooling. I will not say never but I do know it’s not for this season in our lives…)

Anyways… the thing is… I was exposed to those things on the bus, at school and at church BUT I knew there was a safety zone at home and that safety kept me innocent for a while and then provided a safe haven once that innocence was lost and that’s what I hope we can provide for our kids so that they can make wise choices in any situation and circumstance. And if they make unwise choices that like the younger brother in the Bible they will know they can come home…

Tail Kickin’

Alright, this whole 6 am thing is for the birds.  Madeline catches the bus at 7 so I’m getting up at 6 (or 6:15… or like this am 6:25…) and it is kickin’ my tail.  Part of me likes it but it’s still tough.

I have not gotten up this regularly since my Senior Year of high school.  BUT… on the positive side… it’s now 10 am and I have been dressed for over 3 hrs.  My dish washer is running, as is my washer and dryer, everyone ate breakfast… and honestly no one was crabby this am either.  All of that… is pretty nice.  I’m just hoping that at some point my body will be reprogrammed.  I’m a night owl and love, love, LOVE the peacefulness of a house at night… a normal bedtime (for me… not the kids!) was between 11 and 12.  (The perfect time at night is between 11 and 2 BUT… that only happens on rare occasions…) So recently I’ve been tired around 9:30 and headed in around 10 but my body still doesn’t know it’s supposed to sleep then…  given time I think it’ll work.

Anyways, this post was useless so I’ll upgrade it by posting a picture from vacation…

In front of the candy store that literally has the worlds best pralines... promised! (It's in Savannah)

 

 

Dog Days Gone…

We don’t have a dog.  We don’t have a cat.  We don’t have a fish (we did… Cinderella lived about two days under our care…)  But, the dog days of summer ended this past Wednesday and school is back in session.

Madeline... the 5th Grader

 

Charles... the mighty 2nd Grader

I love the ages that are kids are right now… I remember my childhood at their ages.  (However, as a side note I seriously have almost gone more crazy this summer at times because of the sibling wars.  It’s insane how stupid a fight can be and how often they can happen.  No joke, one night they sat at the kitchen table and wrote out one Bible for over an hour and a half… “Be kind and compassionate to one another. Forgiving each other just as Christ forgave you.”  Anyways!)  The fighting aside… I have memories from these  years in my life and I love it!

Second grade was probably one of my best in elementary.  I can’t really say that because honestly, I LOVED, seriously LOVED my elementary days… except first grade.  But second grade contained Mrs. Stahler.  A dear teacher that I loved and still to this day exchange Christmas cards with.  My only fear with Charlie this year is… he has a friend of ours, April, and Lord have mercy on her… I hope we’re friends at the end of the year.  Charlie’s a good kid but he’s a boy and sometimes his brain leaves his body.  Examples from last year would be… smoke bombs in his backpack… stealing pencil grips… and saying he saw someone get shot during the summer.  We’re hoping for a less exciting year.

Madeline just started 5th grade but out here that’s middle school… which while I sincerely love our school district… do not like.  It’s alright because they are segregated from the older grades however after spending years in children’s ministry and having different school districts represented the kids that stayed in elementary longer stayed kids longer and I want my kids to be kids… But… it is what it is.  So, I’m kinda of split on my feelings of this year for her.  My fifth grade year was absolutely terrific.  I had a teacher by the name of Mr. Grothaus and my best friend was in my class, Stacey.  We went on our overnight field trip to Camp Kern (which Maddie did last year…)  My sixth grade year was when middle school started and it was an alright year.  I never felt very confident that year (or the next…) and never had a solid group of friends in my classes.  However, I started band and that was the first year of 7 years where it played a major part in my life.  I loved it… and Madeline has gotten to start band this past week.  She’s playing my mom’s flute… that I played…

I suppose a new school year means I’m getting older… the only thing for certain at this moment is I hate… HATE… 6:00 am.  I have not gotten up more than one day every now and then at 6:00 am since my senior year of high school and quite honestly, I don’t think I got up at 6:00 am then either… I was kinda of over the every hair in place phase and was quite secure so I pretty much rolled out of bed at the last possible minute.

Oh well…  it’s a new season…

Catching Up…

It’s been forever… which is what I say every time I post… You know, I compose posts in my head as I drive, as I mow the grass, etc. etc. etc. but I can’t type and drive or mow… I could maybe do the voice to text thing but it’s not very accurate so it’d probably end up all garbled.

Life incredibly busy right now… not so busy that it’s chaotic… but just busy enough to not be able to sit and savor wordpress… which is alright except I’d really like to be able to track my life a little better… but… obadee, obada… life goes on… yeah…

There will probably be a few posts today… simply because it works better in my mind to break them up by subject instead of going all together…

Making the Move…

For Spring Break we had no grand plans so we decided to trek down to Cincinnati and catch a baseball game and then go to the Creation Museum in Northern Kentucky.  (On a side note, I have discovered a new love… Priceline.  I LOVE getting a 3 star hotel for $50!!!  The only downside is I’m left wondering if I could have gotten it for $45… or $40…)  Anyways…  It was a great couple days.

On the way back to the car,  Stephen made a confession.  He’s becoming, or at least contemplating become a Reds fan.  He’s from Cleveland… and yes will still be rooting for the Indians however… we live near Cincy and that’s where we can get to for a few games a year and… it’ll just be more fun to be a fan.

I realized I didn’t really get any good pictures of the boy…  oh well, we’ll just have to go back!